ventilation

Overwhelming might be an understatement in describing my transition into nicaraguan life. Every day, all of my senses, all of my strength, all of my knowledge and all of my values are tested.
What I’m dealing with right now is an incredible sense of smallness and frustration. I’ve struggled with a less than enthusiastic language facilitator for the past two weeks, and feel like my group will be playing catch-up until the end of training,. I have a knot of anxiety in my chest almost always.
As we attend charla (technical training sessions) after charla, they make it more and more obvious that as a small business volunteer, we are not only trying to impart business skills to various community groups, we are trying to break people of, or at least challenge their belief in long held cultural norms and habits, impossible much?
For example, and these all of course are generalizations, Nicaraguans are innately averse to taking risks. Much of this is practical. People need to put food on the table, they do not have the luxury to risk a job or livelihood to pursue personal ambitions.
Nicaraguans have a strong culture of “copy and paste.” If one person opens a successful store, or starts producing an innovative product, it wont be long until their neighbor starts in the same exact endeavor. No one wins. No innovation is to be found. Related to aversion to risk, people stick with what they see. And their aren’t really enforceable copyright laws.
Nicaraguans are terrified to be wrong. Giving a wrong answer in class, or a slip of the tongue will likely result in teasing and taunting, by children and adults alike.
The most important aspect of Nicaraguan life is the family. Nice right? Except for when people are hindered from personal pursuits or hiring qualified people because family ties prohibit them.
Nicaraguan have no culture of savings or investment. Any extra income is spent on what I might classify as frivolous materialism.
Nicaraguans have a history of corrupt and tyrannical rulers. Will their hard work be protected?
How in the world can we teach entrepreneurship when their way of life is diametrically opposed? I ask myself that quite a bit. But…those are the doubts I have, because I don’t want to be jaded and have unrealistic goals, and I don’t want to feel like my way is always right.
At the same time that I’m wondering if it’s even possible, I am extraordinarily excited to dive into the projects they have been describing to us. Secondary education. Business plan competitions. Youth groups. Community banks. NGO work. Gosh, what more could a girl want? And I think it’s important. And I think that people can change. And I think that people are good. And Nicaraguans especially are so welcoming and giving and willing to help. And I’m having so much fun with my new family and friends here. And I’m scared that the next two years are just going to fly by too fast.
I must say, as of yet I don’t feel like I’m part of it. I don’t know a lot of people. I’m bad at small talk in general, in another language I find it nearly impossible. I still feel like a guest. It still alludes me. I smile, say adios to people in the street, take the public transportation. I live and play and work with my Nica family. I certainly feel more comfortable here than I did on day 1. And I think that training just amplifies stress because 2 years of service are spoken about like they will all happen tomorrow….that is a gradual process never really factors in to our charlas. Maybe the training schedule doesn’t leave much time or brain capacity to get it.
Have I regretted the decision I made to come here? Not once. Not even a little. I love that I’m learning and doing and busy and constantly saying to myself “am I really here??” It certainly is a bizarre, trippy, and wonderful experience thus far.